Entry 14: Soldiers of the nights watch

This is probably a rather lengthy reason to why i couldn't work in an environment that requires discipline, concentration and large quantities of perseverance.

I have...problems. Many, like most. 

Procrastination 

lack of Discipline

Lack of Concentration

Lack of Perseverance

Lazy (in the degree that i would rather stay at home and sleep. but doesn't happen that frequently)

In essence..i don't have the qualities of a solider. A soldier is built to persevere, they train every day of their lives. When the going get's tough, they "soldier" on whatever the matter. They are disciplined to perform any tasks whatever the environment. They fix on the task at hand and don't stop until they complete the task, they physically and mentally concentrate on the task at hand, they ignore all distractions around them. Working until their is nothing left physically and mentally.

Now, your probably wondering why I am comparing myself to a soldier. Your wondering "does he want to be a soldier", "has he applied to work in the army?" Short answer: No.

Reality is that i would like the qualities, The qualities of a solider would be extremely useful in various situations i deal with daily.

Procrastination:

I would like to not get distracted when i have tons of work needing to be completed with emails marked URGENT or SITE AFFECTED appearing in my inbox. Where i would be checking my personal emails or scrolling through "Social Media" for the 15th time in an hour. I want to work! I want to learn, i want to progress.

Discipline:

I want to say to myself, you will get out of bed even if you don't want to. You will meet this deadline. you will turn down the extra desert after realising you have eaten 6 share bags of sweets and 2 takeaways this week and then realising it's only a Wednesday.

Concentration:

I want to listen to somebody in a conversation (especially in rather boring and unhelpful conversations) and not fade in and out of "reality" realising their lips are still moving.

Perseverance:

I would like to have the same energy as i have with fun and enjoyable tasks as i do with boring, and what seems to be meaningless tasks. I also wish to have the ability to stick to learning something without giving up because it got tough.

And Lastly: Being Lazy.

It's really a combination of the above. Being the Definition of the word lazy is "unwilling to work or use energy". 

 Hang on?

My real issue is that i don't stop. My father has the same problem, and in fact i have the same traits. I work to firstly complete tasks but more importantly, to keep people happy. I work 5 days a week to go out during the weekend knowing full well, i need to rest. Yes, i find the particular event amusing, but more importantly, it keeps the other person happy. Does it make me tired, yes. Does it make me sick, on occasion when i haven't had a full day to rest.

So what's the real reason?

Conclusion: Unfortunately I have part of the answer already formed but still requires a lot more thought and detail. I have had this question though my head for months. I have had this in my drafts for most of the months, unfinished. Once I have answers or at least more clues to the answer, i'll post.

Apologies.

Entry 13: Crash.

This weekend/ space of few days (Thursday to Sunday) can only been described as a car crash. Many things have occurred that can only be broken down from the main events of a high speed car crash.

Thursday: The Crash.

Loud noises occur, Screaming. Many people panic. things are broken, time is everything, minutes between events is crucial to people lifestyles and lives. Work was hectic, various events including change of management and lots of users requiring assistance. Many issues were required to be fixed within a specific time span. I left work that day, broken...Mind spinning and needing a rest.

Friday: Through the windscreen.

Unfortunately within this crash a seat-belt wasn't worn, Friday can only be described as breaking through the windshield of the car and currently in mid flight. I was very distracted, kept day dreaming and many things was flying past. I heard some news a couple of weeks ago regarding a fallen soldier, his funeral was Friday, I had to pay my respects to an old friend that day.....

Saturday: Hitting the wall.

You can only fly for so long before you fall. I crashed. I did absolutely nothing that day. Couldn't focus on anything, i vegetated on the sofa with nothing but videos and food. The information from the past two days overflowed and i could take no more. Which leads to....

Sunday: Medical Attention.

Wounds are currently being treated. The healing begins. Woke up feeling a little better today. More refreshed, went to church service and completed the usual jobs. Then went to assist my friends with decluttering their room. Then was treated to a meal out in return, many laughs (that i believe was needed) occurred, memories shared. (I may have had a complete mental breakdown crying with laughter at something very ridiculous.)

I guess laughter is the best medicine....

Entry 12: Out Of Office (to the world)

For all Introverts out there, I have one question...have you ever thought about setting an out of office...but to the world?

This started back a couple of days ago around Wednesday in the office, I was speaking with a colleague passing the time while waiting for work to come in and he spoken about getting a new phone, I explained that I didn't like the whole concept of a mobile, He looked puzzled until I explained myself. I like a smart phone, but the concept of being able to be contacted anywhere, anytime, kind of irritates me. I would prefer to listen to voicemail messages and read emails/ Social messages when I get back from work/shops, and then choose to reply or ignore it for later. I managed to book off Friday for a 3 day weekend (mainly for sleeping and other jobs). I needed a idea and a plan that would allow me to relax on my much needed 3 day weekend without any interruptions, I pondered on the idea of setting an out of office message just to everyone and be left alone for a couple of days without being contacted.

It was quite lucky to have group chat with my main friends that we used to plan things and just talk. 

Friday went well, it was quite lucky not to be contacted during the day because I forgot to "Set my out of office". I managed to sleep in and then assist my dad with clearing out the shed, lots of dust was uncovered....which is an understatement...but anyway...I went out with a meal with my mates and had fun (mainly just me eating food while THEY socialised, which is my kind of social situations). After they dropped me off, I completely forgot to explain that I was "setting my out of office" on Friday, so I explained it to my mate after I got out of the car when him and another mate dropped me off. He did have something planned on Saturday evening which I guess he was going to surprise me with on Saturday evening; This isn't new to me, I'm used to the spontaneous outings (My mates aren't that great with planning *laughs* which is a gift and sometimes a curse). I then officially "Set my out of office" with sending a message explain that I wont be able to be contacted that evening and until Monday.

My results and conclusion about this...It went well (and is going well, I'm technically unable to be contacted until Monday). My Saturday went very quiet, didn't manage to do much (Mostly catching up of lack of sleep from Monday to Friday, which is usually my Saturday morning), and the knowledge that i wasn't going to be messaged helped me relax more. I would love to do this again, and recommend this to all those introverts that need to kindly inform your friends, that you just need a break away from all communication for a while...in the form of an out of office.

Entry 11: The Times They Are A-Changing....

I headed to broad-stairs for the day with the family and others from the church for the annual beach trip, I decided to get away for a while with the parents shopping, and came across a village local band playing acoustic music. we listened to them for a while and then waited for the lift to come back up to take us back to the beach. I had a song racking my brain...it being Bob Dyans The Times they are a changing. This is featured in the science fiction hero movie Watchmen. This song is played in the intro just after "something" occurs. I wont spoil it for those that have yet to see it, but its been out long enough for you to see it. Anyway, this song is played while they show various scenes from 1940's minute men to the "present day" watchmen.

I came to the conclusion on that day i was wearing the exactly the same thing i was wearing for last years beach trip (it had been washed since then don't worry). It made me think where i was a year ago. I was 17, Feeling stuck in a rut in sixth-form, coursework was piling up. Planning my First rock festival to get away. I was quite a mess back then, and i am still kind of,,,ish, Which compared to now, which is apprenticeship in IT, just come back from the same festival for the second time, and currently have work in the morning while writing this.

Lots of things can occur within a year. I have...I have completed education and begun work. Made Friends and i have Lost Friends. Helped people and hurt people. I have been in love...and I have lost said love. Lives have been born and lives have been taken. Escaped from issues, arguments and situations to be greeting with a different style of issues, arguments and situations.

What im trying to say is...The Times.....They are a-changing.

Entry 10: Emotions

(Quote 1) "Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."

(Quote 2) Emotions: "A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others"

I don't like them. They get in the way and they cloud my judgement. Recently it been quite tough with sudden changes occurring within my life, that I have had to (well try at least) to get over, this can affect multiple emotions and I find it doesn't help within my line of work. My line of work requires problem solving and logical thinking. I'm not a big fan when it comes to emotions, I find emotions to be sudden, ever changing, and in some circumstances overpowering. I have decided to use the character V for the image for this Blog post due to a perfect example of strong emotions. (see Quote 1) This is taken from the Movie V for Vendetta, more specifically...this quote is taken during the argument between V and Evie. To gain some back story about the argument, Evie explained throughout the movie on how she didn't want to feel fear, V granted that wish. The way V portrays the feeling of hate is quite strong. It's used quite commonly within kids when they express their anger on another child hurting them. I have heard my parents and others say this too many times "Hate is such a strong word" and the thing is that it is....most people don't understand the meaning of Hate. The full meaning of Hate is to express a passion in the pure dislike of an object or person. If you look at it that way, Hate is quite a strong emotion to express, It requires most if not all strength into disliking something, being filled with rage to fuel your distaste and express your Hate. 

It can take control. It will take control. It has taken control.

People say we are our own worst enemy, the reason behind this is the fact that we know all our failings, our thoughts, past mistakes, it taunts us, plays tricks, pokes fun, buzz kills. If left without any change, it only grows in strength and harm.

"It happened to me... just as it happened to you"

Entry 9: Am I getting old?

A lot has been going on since I last posted, and I know personally I should post more often and share my thoughts, well it seems a good time to share this thought..."Am i getting old". I been saying this or something along those lines, "oh I'm getting old" or "man I'm getting old", which most people would reply with yes or you already are. I would personally say I am old at heart, but only recently have I started questioning if I am growing up too quickly?

Some would say that is a good quality as it helps in the future when you have mortgages to pay and other bills. The problem is that all I seem to think about recently is work, finances and Savings, granted I have only recently started working a full time job and that is something I need to think about...but not in the amount that I have...

Is something wrong? Am I becoming boring? Have I grown up too fast? Looks like I have to wait and see...

*Sigh*

J Machan

Entry 8: Interviewing Woes And Selling Yourself

As I previously mentioned in the post "Signs of an introvert", I discussed the horrible matter of networking and interviews....I despise them with a passion, the whole concept of "selling yourself" makes me feel arrogant and completely opposite of my personality. The related matter and the reason why that I am discussing this matter is mainly due to the fact that I had to occur something along the lines of an interview that could potentially affect...well, my future. The paragraphs below is Thursdays interviewing adventure and Fridays aftermath.

The interview itself consisted of turning up with about 15 other people, nervous, worried, and all wanting the same thing. I did what all classic interviewee and person would do, I found the location of the building, something didn't seem right (but more on that later), I dismissed it and then processed to find a generic coffee  shop and "hide" for a while until it was about 15 minutes before the interview itself. I was tired, I was hungry, and all I wanted was crawl into bed and perform the classic 10 year old initiative with the duvet being the thing that protects yourself against all bad things, but unfortunately I am 18 and needed to get through this interview, so I bought myself breakfast with a hot chocolate and proceeded to "psych" myself up to be the best that I could be.

I was 15 minutes early when I decided to reach the building, I then waited, and waiting, no answer. Another interviewee came along and we waited together, discussing results and general chit chat, it came 10.00 and it began to get extremely worrying that I got the wrong place. I was sure that I had the right place. I called the office and they directed me to go up the stairs and literally a few feet where I was standing, i apologised at front desk took the elevator to the correct floor (finally something right...) and then waited, the person who was judging us found us and directed to a classroom with 10- 13 other smart children ranging from 16-19. The icebreaker activities was rather fun, until their was a reason to the whole exercise, by providing us with the exercise we had our guards down and managed to gather a perspective of our personality in the most truthful way.

He discussed information about the company and the training that will be funded by the government and the grades that we will achieve within the next year. we was taken separate groups and given specific tests, one test for the web and game development and another test for the IT and networks group. They tested to find  if we could think outside the box as within the career that we are pursuing we have to find solutions to problems that will include thinking outside the box to complete. we was then required to separated into groups and tested how well we work within teams and to work out if we are humanitarians or economists.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS TENSE....

We was told to be picked one by one to determine the verdict and if we had to leave or stay for the interview, I waited....and waited......and waited....my name wasn't picked out. My heart was racing, palms were dripping with sweat, mind racing....and then, he comes in and tells the verdict of about 10 people within the room. I decided to talk with the other candidates within the room, how we think we did, etc...the person came back into the room, the room went dead quiet "we have decided" it echoed, my ears was listening on every word....."you have passed, congratulations", a sigh of relief was blown through the whole room.

THE INTERVIEW

I just had wolfed down two double cheeseburgers from *insert well known chain of fast food business* and came back 15 minutes early to the building (the correct building this time). I waited to be interviewed, the time was 2.00, the amount of people became fewer and fewer...3.00 comes, only a hand full of people left, 3.45 comes, only 2 people left, I get called for the interview and gave my best impression to the woman (the man who was judging us was busy with another candidate), I had talked with her before and gave my best impression with my "passion for IT" and the reason why I wanted an apprenticeship. They said that they would call me tomorrow for my results 4.00 came, I make my goodbyes with the other candidate and wished well with his future endeavours and made my retreat back to home.

THE RESULT

Today was tense, rather tense from 10.00 I was staring at my phone waiting for it to ring. The Schrodinger cat situation....not knowing if I would have to re-plan everything from scratch. 1.00 came and the phone rang....it was my mate asking if they had called, I replied that I was still waiting and provided me that they didn't ring until mid afternoon which calmed some nerves. 2.45 came and the call that I had been waiting for arrived, they asked how I thought the interview went, and how I thought the whole day, and then told me that I had been accepted, to which I thanked them for all that they did and for working with me. They said that they had no complaints with the interview and how the day went.

I now have an interview next week for a IT Network distribution business that provides businesses with networking equipment which can be Internet and servers or even can be setting up mobile network equipment for example phones. (I have to remember this to show that I have done research).

Oh how I dislike interviews, but they have to be done or else I wouldn't be writing this, nor would I be worried about the next interview...

J Machan