Entry 16: Life Simulator 2020 *Cue End Credits*

Picture the scene, the date is 1st January 2020 at 12:02AM fireworks being set off in every direction. You've had quite a few drinks throughout the evening, said goodbye to the old and welcomed in the new. words like "social distancing" and "tier system" has yet to become common in your current vocabulary. Embraced with your significant other a thought comes into your mind and you whisper something in her ear.

"This is going to be a year of tests".

I was referring to many achievements that I wanted to obtain by the end of the year, but what a foreshadowing for the steaming dogpile that this year has been. It has been a testing one, mostly on the stability of the human mind. Its been testing on all of us and I, much like others are happy to see it go. But the year isn't over yet, and even when the clock strikes 12:00 on the 31st everything won't automatically fix itself with end credits rolling in the sky and "Thanks for playing life simulator 2020" appearing as the title. Its going to be more like the aftermath of every superhero movie that is not shown where the giant monster has been defeated and the civilians are left to assess that half the city is destroyed, with one person to look at another and go "I'll grab a broom". I'm being very pessimistic about the whole situation but it has been a horrible year.

Many are quite glad that the Christmas season has come as it means joy for many. A time to share gifts, visit family members, sing Carols and share a traditional Christmas dinner. A time to decorate the tree and partake in various board games. For me I tend to find this season one of my lesser favorite holidays due to the stress and previous experiences. 

This year...I'll be honest...I'm...I'm conflicted.

Has this year broke me down that much to actually have some Christmas spirit?

No, And here is why. (Side note: If you asked the above question about a week ago when I wrote most of the top part of this I would have had a conflicted answer but now that I've pondered over this I definitely know the answer.)

For the past few years I've found that I've had less and less Christmas spirit in me. I celebrate it, sure. but I wouldn't say that I've actively been excited for the holiday season for a multitude of reasons, mostly due to the fact that its been highly overhyped, commercialised and seems to start earlier and earlier. Please don't take this the wrong way, I may not enjoy Christmas as much as the next person but I make sure not to actively ruin someone's fun as that is just plain horrible. 

This year the reasons for not having the holiday spirit is different. We have been bombarded with so many horrible things that we just want some thing happy to cheer us up. Unfortunately its not the "traditional" Christmas many wished for. The common phrase used around our flat at the moment is "It just doesn't feel like Christmas" and its true, it doesn't. Right now as of writing this it's 11:30 on Christmas Eve and I'm surrounded with wrapped presents and empty boxes. I've spend this afternoon delivering presents to the respected people at a socially safe distance and precautions taken but it didn't feel "Christmassy", it didn't feel right. Even just saying "Have a good Christmas" or "Merry Christmas" feels empty and hollow. But the thing is...I am lucky.

A lot of people are going to be feeling lonely and isolated. Most won't be able to see family and some might not even be able to see other people. I saw a news article recently explaining that some of the restrictions in place are affecting those in single person households that might not have family to spend Christmas with. I am lucky to not be one of those affected, I am lucky to live with my bestfriends and have plans set for tomorrow with them. I am not mentioning this to brag but more to state that even with everything going on, I need to be more humble and remember that I am lucky. I may not be able to spend Christmas day with my family but we have adapted slightly and I'm ok with that.

It was mentioned to me in a conversation that we shouldn't say that "Christmas is canceled" as it technically isn't, the holiday will still go ahead. But we should say that "Christmas is postponed" or at least the social aspect. We don't need to have a massive get together in order for it to be Christmas we can move that later on in the year once restrictions have been lifted and its safe to do so. 

So finally...This Christmas, just do what you can. Adapt with the new normal. Check in with those that might be alone this year. And let's hope that things might be a little different in the years to come...

Entry 15: Warriors not worriers

I find before writing a blog post the habit is the same. I start reciting what I'm going to write and then repeat, I keep repeating over and over. Almost like muscle memory. While this occurs i go for a walk, this clears my head and allows me to concentrate and focus. I usually have the same song on repeat, this keeps me in the moment, fuels the ability to even write posts. I've been listening to this song for a couple of days and frankly it has a good topic for discussion. In my previous post I was discussing about the qualities of a soldier and I didn't manage to explain further. Mostly for 2 reasons, firstly the explanation I felt wasn't long enough for a post and  secondly I still don't have all the answers. Today I'm going to discuss specifically about determination and it began Thursday last week.

Truth be told I haven't been working out for around 5 months. 5 months ago I was going 4 days a week and personally felt that I wasn't getting results. Firstly that's wrong because I now see the results of not going. Secondly I got rather sick which took me out of the gym for about 2 weeks (this began the whole not going for 5 months). Anyway, my friend managed to get me some motivation to get back, this was a Tuesday, and the 5 months of not going clearly showed when I left as a puddle after pushing myself to complete previously half of what I could do without breaking much of a sweat.

Thursday came around and my friend couldn't go due to a surprise event, I said I would go by myself; I had everything I needed, but just needed to finish the day. I looked forward to the gym to relieve stress. One of my fears unfortunately is going alone, but I placed that in the back of my head and kept going. My train was late because London public transport isn't the greatest. I managed to get a seat on the train, tired and hungry only to see somebody tucking into a very greasy and rather tempting burger. It's slight torture when you look down at your chicken salad for a pre-workout meal. Soon after I finally checked the stops that i have left...which brings me to my next hurdle.

That's when I realised I was on the wrong train. Let's recap....So I'm currently on the wrong train, late, and the worst part is that I've eaten salad (There is a meaning to this, if you have gotten this far well done). I managed to compose myself and get off the train and wait for the next one, which was the right train I needed. I managed to the gym and did my workout. I pushed myself and had fun, but did walk out looking more of a puddle than a human.

The reason why I told you this story and the way I write these posts have something in common. While I was on the train to the gym I searched up about motivation for the gym and found something different. Somebody posted explaining it's not motivation but discipline. The difference, motivation is the energy for something you want to do. But you don't have motivation in thing you don't want to do, you need to find the discipline. Sure you don't want to do it, but you have to. Take the gym/basic exercise for example? If you don't force yourself to do it, where does it leave you? A warrior need discipline (one of many factors) to achieve their goals.

Hopefully more on this soon. Currently on week 2 session 4 (tonight) after not going for 5 months.

Entry 14: Soldiers of the nights watch

This is probably a rather lengthy reason to why i couldn't work in an environment that requires discipline, concentration and large quantities of perseverance.

I have...problems. Many, like most. 

Procrastination 

lack of Discipline

Lack of Concentration

Lack of Perseverance

Lazy (in the degree that i would rather stay at home and sleep. but doesn't happen that frequently)

In essence..i don't have the qualities of a solider. A soldier is built to persevere, they train every day of their lives. When the going get's tough, they "soldier" on whatever the matter. They are disciplined to perform any tasks whatever the environment. They fix on the task at hand and don't stop until they complete the task, they physically and mentally concentrate on the task at hand, they ignore all distractions around them. Working until their is nothing left physically and mentally.

Now, your probably wondering why I am comparing myself to a soldier. Your wondering "does he want to be a soldier", "has he applied to work in the army?" Short answer: No.

Reality is that i would like the qualities, The qualities of a solider would be extremely useful in various situations i deal with daily.

Procrastination:

I would like to not get distracted when i have tons of work needing to be completed with emails marked URGENT or SITE AFFECTED appearing in my inbox. Where i would be checking my personal emails or scrolling through "Social Media" for the 15th time in an hour. I want to work! I want to learn, i want to progress.

Discipline:

I want to say to myself, you will get out of bed even if you don't want to. You will meet this deadline. you will turn down the extra desert after realising you have eaten 6 share bags of sweets and 2 takeaways this week and then realising it's only a Wednesday.

Concentration:

I want to listen to somebody in a conversation (especially in rather boring and unhelpful conversations) and not fade in and out of "reality" realising their lips are still moving.

Perseverance:

I would like to have the same energy as i have with fun and enjoyable tasks as i do with boring, and what seems to be meaningless tasks. I also wish to have the ability to stick to learning something without giving up because it got tough.

And Lastly: Being Lazy.

It's really a combination of the above. Being the Definition of the word lazy is "unwilling to work or use energy". 

 Hang on?

My real issue is that i don't stop. My father has the same problem, and in fact i have the same traits. I work to firstly complete tasks but more importantly, to keep people happy. I work 5 days a week to go out during the weekend knowing full well, i need to rest. Yes, i find the particular event amusing, but more importantly, it keeps the other person happy. Does it make me tired, yes. Does it make me sick, on occasion when i haven't had a full day to rest.

So what's the real reason?

Conclusion: Unfortunately I have part of the answer already formed but still requires a lot more thought and detail. I have had this question though my head for months. I have had this in my drafts for most of the months, unfinished. Once I have answers or at least more clues to the answer, i'll post.

Apologies.

Entry 13: Crash.

This weekend/ space of few days (Thursday to Sunday) can only been described as a car crash. Many things have occurred that can only be broken down from the main events of a high speed car crash.

Thursday: The Crash.

Loud noises occur, Screaming. Many people panic. things are broken, time is everything, minutes between events is crucial to people lifestyles and lives. Work was hectic, various events including change of management and lots of users requiring assistance. Many issues were required to be fixed within a specific time span. I left work that day, broken...Mind spinning and needing a rest.

Friday: Through the windscreen.

Unfortunately within this crash a seat-belt wasn't worn, Friday can only be described as breaking through the windshield of the car and currently in mid flight. I was very distracted, kept day dreaming and many things was flying past. I heard some news a couple of weeks ago regarding a fallen soldier, his funeral was Friday, I had to pay my respects to an old friend that day.....

Saturday: Hitting the wall.

You can only fly for so long before you fall. I crashed. I did absolutely nothing that day. Couldn't focus on anything, i vegetated on the sofa with nothing but videos and food. The information from the past two days overflowed and i could take no more. Which leads to....

Sunday: Medical Attention.

Wounds are currently being treated. The healing begins. Woke up feeling a little better today. More refreshed, went to church service and completed the usual jobs. Then went to assist my friends with decluttering their room. Then was treated to a meal out in return, many laughs (that i believe was needed) occurred, memories shared. (I may have had a complete mental breakdown crying with laughter at something very ridiculous.)

I guess laughter is the best medicine....

Entry 12: Out Of Office (to the world)

For all Introverts out there, I have one question...have you ever thought about setting an out of office...but to the world?

This started back a couple of days ago around Wednesday in the office, I was speaking with a colleague passing the time while waiting for work to come in and he spoken about getting a new phone, I explained that I didn't like the whole concept of a mobile, He looked puzzled until I explained myself. I like a smart phone, but the concept of being able to be contacted anywhere, anytime, kind of irritates me. I would prefer to listen to voicemail messages and read emails/ Social messages when I get back from work/shops, and then choose to reply or ignore it for later. I managed to book off Friday for a 3 day weekend (mainly for sleeping and other jobs). I needed a idea and a plan that would allow me to relax on my much needed 3 day weekend without any interruptions, I pondered on the idea of setting an out of office message just to everyone and be left alone for a couple of days without being contacted.

It was quite lucky to have group chat with my main friends that we used to plan things and just talk. 

Friday went well, it was quite lucky not to be contacted during the day because I forgot to "Set my out of office". I managed to sleep in and then assist my dad with clearing out the shed, lots of dust was uncovered....which is an understatement...but anyway...I went out with a meal with my mates and had fun (mainly just me eating food while THEY socialised, which is my kind of social situations). After they dropped me off, I completely forgot to explain that I was "setting my out of office" on Friday, so I explained it to my mate after I got out of the car when him and another mate dropped me off. He did have something planned on Saturday evening which I guess he was going to surprise me with on Saturday evening; This isn't new to me, I'm used to the spontaneous outings (My mates aren't that great with planning *laughs* which is a gift and sometimes a curse). I then officially "Set my out of office" with sending a message explain that I wont be able to be contacted that evening and until Monday.

My results and conclusion about this...It went well (and is going well, I'm technically unable to be contacted until Monday). My Saturday went very quiet, didn't manage to do much (Mostly catching up of lack of sleep from Monday to Friday, which is usually my Saturday morning), and the knowledge that i wasn't going to be messaged helped me relax more. I would love to do this again, and recommend this to all those introverts that need to kindly inform your friends, that you just need a break away from all communication for a while...in the form of an out of office.

Entry 11: The Times They Are A-Changing....

I headed to broad-stairs for the day with the family and others from the church for the annual beach trip, I decided to get away for a while with the parents shopping, and came across a village local band playing acoustic music. we listened to them for a while and then waited for the lift to come back up to take us back to the beach. I had a song racking my brain...it being Bob Dyans The Times they are a changing. This is featured in the science fiction hero movie Watchmen. This song is played in the intro just after "something" occurs. I wont spoil it for those that have yet to see it, but its been out long enough for you to see it. Anyway, this song is played while they show various scenes from 1940's minute men to the "present day" watchmen.

I came to the conclusion on that day i was wearing the exactly the same thing i was wearing for last years beach trip (it had been washed since then don't worry). It made me think where i was a year ago. I was 17, Feeling stuck in a rut in sixth-form, coursework was piling up. Planning my First rock festival to get away. I was quite a mess back then, and i am still kind of,,,ish, Which compared to now, which is apprenticeship in IT, just come back from the same festival for the second time, and currently have work in the morning while writing this.

Lots of things can occur within a year. I have...I have completed education and begun work. Made Friends and i have Lost Friends. Helped people and hurt people. I have been in love...and I have lost said love. Lives have been born and lives have been taken. Escaped from issues, arguments and situations to be greeting with a different style of issues, arguments and situations.

What im trying to say is...The Times.....They are a-changing.

Entry 10: Emotions

(Quote 1) "Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."

(Quote 2) Emotions: "A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others"

I don't like them. They get in the way and they cloud my judgement. Recently it been quite tough with sudden changes occurring within my life, that I have had to (well try at least) to get over, this can affect multiple emotions and I find it doesn't help within my line of work. My line of work requires problem solving and logical thinking. I'm not a big fan when it comes to emotions, I find emotions to be sudden, ever changing, and in some circumstances overpowering. I have decided to use the character V for the image for this Blog post due to a perfect example of strong emotions. (see Quote 1) This is taken from the Movie V for Vendetta, more specifically...this quote is taken during the argument between V and Evie. To gain some back story about the argument, Evie explained throughout the movie on how she didn't want to feel fear, V granted that wish. The way V portrays the feeling of hate is quite strong. It's used quite commonly within kids when they express their anger on another child hurting them. I have heard my parents and others say this too many times "Hate is such a strong word" and the thing is that it is....most people don't understand the meaning of Hate. The full meaning of Hate is to express a passion in the pure dislike of an object or person. If you look at it that way, Hate is quite a strong emotion to express, It requires most if not all strength into disliking something, being filled with rage to fuel your distaste and express your Hate. 

It can take control. It will take control. It has taken control.

People say we are our own worst enemy, the reason behind this is the fact that we know all our failings, our thoughts, past mistakes, it taunts us, plays tricks, pokes fun, buzz kills. If left without any change, it only grows in strength and harm.

"It happened to me... just as it happened to you"