Entry 14: Soldiers of the nights watch

This is probably a rather lengthy reason to why i couldn't work in an environment that requires discipline, concentration and large quantities of perseverance.

I have...problems. Many, like most. 

Procrastination 

lack of Discipline

Lack of Concentration

Lack of Perseverance

Lazy (in the degree that i would rather stay at home and sleep. but doesn't happen that frequently)

In essence..i don't have the qualities of a solider. A soldier is built to persevere, they train every day of their lives. When the going get's tough, they "soldier" on whatever the matter. They are disciplined to perform any tasks whatever the environment. They fix on the task at hand and don't stop until they complete the task, they physically and mentally concentrate on the task at hand, they ignore all distractions around them. Working until their is nothing left physically and mentally.

Now, your probably wondering why I am comparing myself to a soldier. Your wondering "does he want to be a soldier", "has he applied to work in the army?" Short answer: No.

Reality is that i would like the qualities, The qualities of a solider would be extremely useful in various situations i deal with daily.

Procrastination:

I would like to not get distracted when i have tons of work needing to be completed with emails marked URGENT or SITE AFFECTED appearing in my inbox. Where i would be checking my personal emails or scrolling through "Social Media" for the 15th time in an hour. I want to work! I want to learn, i want to progress.

Discipline:

I want to say to myself, you will get out of bed even if you don't want to. You will meet this deadline. you will turn down the extra desert after realising you have eaten 6 share bags of sweets and 2 takeaways this week and then realising it's only a Wednesday.

Concentration:

I want to listen to somebody in a conversation (especially in rather boring and unhelpful conversations) and not fade in and out of "reality" realising their lips are still moving.

Perseverance:

I would like to have the same energy as i have with fun and enjoyable tasks as i do with boring, and what seems to be meaningless tasks. I also wish to have the ability to stick to learning something without giving up because it got tough.

And Lastly: Being Lazy.

It's really a combination of the above. Being the Definition of the word lazy is "unwilling to work or use energy". 

 Hang on?

My real issue is that i don't stop. My father has the same problem, and in fact i have the same traits. I work to firstly complete tasks but more importantly, to keep people happy. I work 5 days a week to go out during the weekend knowing full well, i need to rest. Yes, i find the particular event amusing, but more importantly, it keeps the other person happy. Does it make me tired, yes. Does it make me sick, on occasion when i haven't had a full day to rest.

So what's the real reason?

Conclusion: Unfortunately I have part of the answer already formed but still requires a lot more thought and detail. I have had this question though my head for months. I have had this in my drafts for most of the months, unfinished. Once I have answers or at least more clues to the answer, i'll post.

Apologies.