Entry 11: The Times They Are A-Changing....

I headed to broad-stairs for the day with the family and others from the church for the annual beach trip, I decided to get away for a while with the parents shopping, and came across a village local band playing acoustic music. we listened to them for a while and then waited for the lift to come back up to take us back to the beach. I had a song racking my brain...it being Bob Dyans The Times they are a changing. This is featured in the science fiction hero movie Watchmen. This song is played in the intro just after "something" occurs. I wont spoil it for those that have yet to see it, but its been out long enough for you to see it. Anyway, this song is played while they show various scenes from 1940's minute men to the "present day" watchmen.

I came to the conclusion on that day i was wearing the exactly the same thing i was wearing for last years beach trip (it had been washed since then don't worry). It made me think where i was a year ago. I was 17, Feeling stuck in a rut in sixth-form, coursework was piling up. Planning my First rock festival to get away. I was quite a mess back then, and i am still kind of,,,ish, Which compared to now, which is apprenticeship in IT, just come back from the same festival for the second time, and currently have work in the morning while writing this.

Lots of things can occur within a year. I have...I have completed education and begun work. Made Friends and i have Lost Friends. Helped people and hurt people. I have been in love...and I have lost said love. Lives have been born and lives have been taken. Escaped from issues, arguments and situations to be greeting with a different style of issues, arguments and situations.

What im trying to say is...The Times.....They are a-changing.

Entry 10: Emotions

(Quote 1) "Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."

(Quote 2) Emotions: "A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others"

I don't like them. They get in the way and they cloud my judgement. Recently it been quite tough with sudden changes occurring within my life, that I have had to (well try at least) to get over, this can affect multiple emotions and I find it doesn't help within my line of work. My line of work requires problem solving and logical thinking. I'm not a big fan when it comes to emotions, I find emotions to be sudden, ever changing, and in some circumstances overpowering. I have decided to use the character V for the image for this Blog post due to a perfect example of strong emotions. (see Quote 1) This is taken from the Movie V for Vendetta, more specifically...this quote is taken during the argument between V and Evie. To gain some back story about the argument, Evie explained throughout the movie on how she didn't want to feel fear, V granted that wish. The way V portrays the feeling of hate is quite strong. It's used quite commonly within kids when they express their anger on another child hurting them. I have heard my parents and others say this too many times "Hate is such a strong word" and the thing is that it is....most people don't understand the meaning of Hate. The full meaning of Hate is to express a passion in the pure dislike of an object or person. If you look at it that way, Hate is quite a strong emotion to express, It requires most if not all strength into disliking something, being filled with rage to fuel your distaste and express your Hate. 

It can take control. It will take control. It has taken control.

People say we are our own worst enemy, the reason behind this is the fact that we know all our failings, our thoughts, past mistakes, it taunts us, plays tricks, pokes fun, buzz kills. If left without any change, it only grows in strength and harm.

"It happened to me... just as it happened to you"

Entry 9: Am I getting old?

A lot has been going on since I last posted, and I know personally I should post more often and share my thoughts, well it seems a good time to share this thought..."Am i getting old". I been saying this or something along those lines, "oh I'm getting old" or "man I'm getting old", which most people would reply with yes or you already are. I would personally say I am old at heart, but only recently have I started questioning if I am growing up too quickly?

Some would say that is a good quality as it helps in the future when you have mortgages to pay and other bills. The problem is that all I seem to think about recently is work, finances and Savings, granted I have only recently started working a full time job and that is something I need to think about...but not in the amount that I have...

Is something wrong? Am I becoming boring? Have I grown up too fast? Looks like I have to wait and see...

*Sigh*

J Machan

Entry 8: Interviewing Woes And Selling Yourself

As I previously mentioned in the post "Signs of an introvert", I discussed the horrible matter of networking and interviews....I despise them with a passion, the whole concept of "selling yourself" makes me feel arrogant and completely opposite of my personality. The related matter and the reason why that I am discussing this matter is mainly due to the fact that I had to occur something along the lines of an interview that could potentially affect...well, my future. The paragraphs below is Thursdays interviewing adventure and Fridays aftermath.

The interview itself consisted of turning up with about 15 other people, nervous, worried, and all wanting the same thing. I did what all classic interviewee and person would do, I found the location of the building, something didn't seem right (but more on that later), I dismissed it and then processed to find a generic coffee  shop and "hide" for a while until it was about 15 minutes before the interview itself. I was tired, I was hungry, and all I wanted was crawl into bed and perform the classic 10 year old initiative with the duvet being the thing that protects yourself against all bad things, but unfortunately I am 18 and needed to get through this interview, so I bought myself breakfast with a hot chocolate and proceeded to "psych" myself up to be the best that I could be.

I was 15 minutes early when I decided to reach the building, I then waited, and waiting, no answer. Another interviewee came along and we waited together, discussing results and general chit chat, it came 10.00 and it began to get extremely worrying that I got the wrong place. I was sure that I had the right place. I called the office and they directed me to go up the stairs and literally a few feet where I was standing, i apologised at front desk took the elevator to the correct floor (finally something right...) and then waited, the person who was judging us found us and directed to a classroom with 10- 13 other smart children ranging from 16-19. The icebreaker activities was rather fun, until their was a reason to the whole exercise, by providing us with the exercise we had our guards down and managed to gather a perspective of our personality in the most truthful way.

He discussed information about the company and the training that will be funded by the government and the grades that we will achieve within the next year. we was taken separate groups and given specific tests, one test for the web and game development and another test for the IT and networks group. They tested to find  if we could think outside the box as within the career that we are pursuing we have to find solutions to problems that will include thinking outside the box to complete. we was then required to separated into groups and tested how well we work within teams and to work out if we are humanitarians or economists.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS TENSE....

We was told to be picked one by one to determine the verdict and if we had to leave or stay for the interview, I waited....and waited......and waited....my name wasn't picked out. My heart was racing, palms were dripping with sweat, mind racing....and then, he comes in and tells the verdict of about 10 people within the room. I decided to talk with the other candidates within the room, how we think we did, etc...the person came back into the room, the room went dead quiet "we have decided" it echoed, my ears was listening on every word....."you have passed, congratulations", a sigh of relief was blown through the whole room.

THE INTERVIEW

I just had wolfed down two double cheeseburgers from *insert well known chain of fast food business* and came back 15 minutes early to the building (the correct building this time). I waited to be interviewed, the time was 2.00, the amount of people became fewer and fewer...3.00 comes, only a hand full of people left, 3.45 comes, only 2 people left, I get called for the interview and gave my best impression to the woman (the man who was judging us was busy with another candidate), I had talked with her before and gave my best impression with my "passion for IT" and the reason why I wanted an apprenticeship. They said that they would call me tomorrow for my results 4.00 came, I make my goodbyes with the other candidate and wished well with his future endeavours and made my retreat back to home.

THE RESULT

Today was tense, rather tense from 10.00 I was staring at my phone waiting for it to ring. The Schrodinger cat situation....not knowing if I would have to re-plan everything from scratch. 1.00 came and the phone rang....it was my mate asking if they had called, I replied that I was still waiting and provided me that they didn't ring until mid afternoon which calmed some nerves. 2.45 came and the call that I had been waiting for arrived, they asked how I thought the interview went, and how I thought the whole day, and then told me that I had been accepted, to which I thanked them for all that they did and for working with me. They said that they had no complaints with the interview and how the day went.

I now have an interview next week for a IT Network distribution business that provides businesses with networking equipment which can be Internet and servers or even can be setting up mobile network equipment for example phones. (I have to remember this to show that I have done research).

Oh how I dislike interviews, but they have to be done or else I wouldn't be writing this, nor would I be worried about the next interview...

J Machan

Entry 7: Whirlpool of thoughts.

My mind is racing, my thoughts are all over the place and I think I'm getting a cold....

I have only recently come back from volunteering for spending a week with 60 children at a camp, which was rather exhausting...both mentally and physically. It has left me with memories, experience, and a lot of thoughts to stew in the cooking pot of my brain. The problem is that when going from a week filled with few breaks and lots to do, to nothing to do and lots of breaks means that the effects of the past week catch up all in one go and it frankly hit me rather badly. But the solution has only come within minutes of writing this blog, the solution was brewed with hot water, placed into a cup, added milk for flavour and then served. If you have already guessed the answer was Tea. Funnily enough the effects of the magical brew is starting to take effect, I'm feeling all better. So now with that problem fixed, lets explain my week...I have come to the conclusion that when working with children is that you have balance a couple of things. One is that you feel like a child yourself, for example put yourself in their shoes, think how they would think, act like they would act, and the second is to be responsible; when working with children you have to know that you are their for their safety and have to take charge if any trouble arises or could arise. This is part of the experience that I have learned when working with children. The memories is the laughter and fun that I have enjoyed, because after all if your not having fun while their having fun then what's the point? and finally the thoughts, one of them mainly being that sometimes the work and things that happen don't go unnoticed. Inside the the team room was a whiteboard, which read "Board of encouragement" with all the teams names on A4 envelopes with some felt tips and pieces of small paper for little notes to be written and placed into peoples specific envelope, just reading the messages that people had posted felt rather warming. Some of the messages read how nice it was watching me grow as a leader, others was your doing well, keep up the good work and even through the week, people came up to me and asked how I was, how I was doing well, and in the end we was able to keep the messages for ourselves to keep.

But one of my highlight has to be one of the children in my group, that coming to the end of the week that felt rather homesick, grabbed my attention and said "you know, I'm really going to miss this". It really hit me hard how this week it may have been mentally and physically tiring but looking back and seeing that some of those kids are going to go back to their lives with the memory of that fantastic week, some of them changed by the experiences of the week.

In deep thought

J Machan

Entry 6: Why is everybody talking so loudly?

My friend asked me a question today...he was quite surprised with my reply, and i was surprised by his reaction to my reply. In the gist of the question, he asked if two people that have been in a relationship for a while where dating...my answer to his question was "Yes, didn't you know? or even see the signs?". He replied with agreeing that he saw the signs but didn't hear that they was in a relationship, after my friend told my other friend about his new found information, he confronted me, and i said that i overheard a conversation, and then was accused of ear-wigging in other peoples conversations. Well as typical me i took this information and decided to think about it in further detail.

I have been recently been reading a book about introverts written by....an introvert! How surprising! Anyway, she wrote a chapter featuring how she deals with social situations and how she and other introverts in a nutshell "multitask" with conversations, for example they could be talking to somebody and still be taking in information and listening to other conversations happening. I think i have only realised that i have and without realising that i was doing it. Now with my new found gift, i have been doing what any person would do...use it. Another thing that i have realised recently with this book is how much i pay attention to detail, but that's another blog post when i gather inspiration.

Now with realising that i use this skill, a couple of things clicked as well. It must have been months ago, but i had a couple of experiences of being overtired due to socialising, but the weird thing was that my senses began to heighten and people voices became louder, i could hear every syllable that was utter from their mouths, from every conversation, the way that i could relate to the experience was from futurama's 4th episode movie (Into the wild green yonder).

The plot featured Fry after having an accident with a protesters pendant from their necklace and it being lodged into his brain which provided him with the ability of (at the start) uncontrollable telepathy, after the effects began, he stepped outside for some fresh air into a crowded street with made his head fill with other peoples thoughts, by using a tin foil hat this gave him the ability to block the thoughts coming through, and this can (in a nutshell) describe introversion thinking and their senses, because we can control it, but after a while it can become uncontrollable and we need to step outside to "gather our thoughts" so to speak.

The title of the post is a quote taken from Fry when he begins to get telepathy.

Entry 5: Signs of an Introvert

My father has recently posted a post from his personal blog and it was rather interesting, so i have decided i'm going to "borrow" his topic from his post and see what my results are...if your reading this dad...have fun! ;)

1: You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.

Yup, although i have kinda created a template, which is "hello" "how are you?" and if im socialising on the internet " wuu2" (what you up to) anything else besides that...i'm in uncharted territories...

2: You go to parties – but not to meet people.

DEFINITELY, I'm the classic introvert in those situations...don't dance, keep socialism to a minimal, find the nearest exit.

3. You often feel alone in a crowd.

Funnily enough, the first time my dad told me this sign, i said i had never felt it...and then i went out the next day to friends gig, only knowing two people, One of them being backstage waiting to perform, and the other was with me, and then needed to nip to the toilet. Those few minutes was the most longest, and loneliest feeling ever, it was frankly horrible...i stuck to my friend like glue before and after that.

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.

I can't say that i have ever networked, *reads meaning of network* yeah...i think i'll pass thanks.

5. You've been called 'too intense'.

I don't think i have been called too intense, but i do talk in great depth and thought when talking to my father on various topics (Mainly about introversion and science fiction).

6. You're easily distracted.

What was that, i wasn't listening...yeah i have this trouble a lot, if the computer slows up or takes some time to load, their is always something i can find to do, if it's organising some papers, to watching videos.

7. Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you.

THAT STATEMENT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME...I thrive on downtime, i don't know what i would do without a little peace and alone time for myself. I could be having a really stressful day at Sixth Form, and a moderate walk around the local area (roughly 15-20 mins) looking in a few corner shops and i could be ready for round two. I physically cannot see how extroverts thrive on people...

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.

Hmm, tough one...i have done pieces in church where i have to talk to lots of people, i got nervous about it, but with the little experience i have had, i would rather talk to 500 people and then just sit in the corner being left alone to recharge, the mingling makes me feel a little..."exposed" if that makes sense after talking about personal things or experiences.

9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench – not in the middle.

I don't travel by subway/train, but i do travel to school and back via *shudders* buses...and i usually have a specific seat that i like to be seated near or on, and if a seat that can occupy two people becomes free i usually try and aim for that seat and leave the other seat for my bags. i don't know whether that's introvert thing or me being a selfish person...

10. You start to shut down after you've been active for too long.

I don't technically shut down immediately, i kinda start to feel the effects of being active for too long for example tiredness and deteriorating lack of concentrating. When i get really low i begin to snap at people and find it harder to "mince my words" as i can occasionally be rather blunt. I also tend to zone out more than usual if i know i am going to be socialising for long periods. Top Tip for introverts that have recently known that they are introverts, when you know you are going to be socialising for a while pace yourself, and if you see an opening when you can "recharge" take it...or if you require a quick "break" from people apologise to the person you are talking to and say you just need to get some air or your feeling a bit sick.

11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert.

...I'm single.....Moving on.....

12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.

Yes, i would rather, but i kinda have a jack of all trades thing, but i would say that computer or computing is one of my stronger subjects, i would go as far as saying expert, more enthusiast....in a nutshell, i like to dabble, see if it interests me, is it useful for me and my way of life, learn or look at nothing else but that specific subject, keep it in the back of my mind, find something new. but on occasion, pick up where i left off or read up to jog my memory and learn a bit more.

13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation.

This looks nice, oh but it has audience participation, yeah....i'm out. I have been to a event when it was audience participation and it was just horrible, the end result was my friend getting their fun when i dragged them to it and i was picked out the audience to do some...rather silly dancing...i don't do silly dancing, they recorded the whole thing and posted it and tagged it to my profile on Facebook...thanks guys.

14. You screen all your calls - even from friends.

I have always looked at my phone to see who is calling me, it's become a second nature, their are just times when you cannot deal with people and you need to be alone, it's nothing personal, it's the way we work. To all my friends, your great but you require so much energy couldn't live with you, couldn't live without you.

15. You notice details that others don't.

I kinda have bad feelings that i think i have explained in previous blog posts, but it's the feeling of just something not being right, or out of place, it can be added to the gift and a curse section, as the person could be a real nice person meaning well, but the sensation at the back of your mind saying "somethings wrong, tread carefully".

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue.

Half if not all my blog posts have been creating due to monologing in my head. Most of the quotes i say are from my monologue saying them first and i'm merely repeating, but when im angry, the tone of the monologue becomes louder and more shouting at me. I think just monologing what i think in my head, has saved my butt countless times. I have also recently noticed that i have conversations to myself, coz im weird that way ;)

17. You have low blood pressure.

Really? Well you learn something new everyday...

18. You've been called an 'old soul' - since your 20s.

Prft, i have been called an old soul since i was at least 15, never fully understood why until i understood that i was an introvert. And in the end im happy with doing "old man stuff" it feels natural.

19. You don't feel 'high' from your surroundings.

Well this is a grey area for me, i have gone to events with a lively atmosphere, enjoyed it and come out pumped, but when talking about large parties, nope, nada, not a thing...

20. You look at the big picture.

Well, yeah, to a point...if the project really interests me then i sometimes enjoy digging a little bit deeper.

21. You've been told to 'come out of your shell'.

Unfortunately, more times than i can count. Their have been several people who have tried to change that was hardwired into my brain. I just hope that you will understand that my needs are different and what you might think sounds boring, might be the thing that i find the most enjoyable of the event/experience/party.

22. You’re a writer.

I'm more a closet writer if anything, to friends and family i only tell specific people about my blog and show even fewer people the books i have written (1 completed but requires editing and it's sequel in progress...slow progress). I'm rather personal with my writing, i feel as i show you my work, i show you a private part of myself.

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity

DUH!!, It's how i survive this noisy world. When i feel as if my energy is empty or close to empty, being alone or being left alone does so many wonders, but i don't think i could survive being alone forever, even the most introverted of people require some sort of social interaction or the world would be a very lonely place.

Well that is the 23 signs of an introvert, i hope you enjoy this as much as i did (This took me over a week maybe even 2 weeks to edit, leave, come back and complete). More posts to come as this has given me some inspiration and material to post my thoughts and views about. I am also reading a introvert themed book called "The Introverts Way" by Sophia Dembling which has been a rather exciting, deep thinking book that i have been finding hard to put down, for all introverts alike, if new or known for a while. this book provides lot of tips and insight of a fellow introvert explaining her way of introverted life and how she survives this noisy world.